On to the picks – As in nose – Which I’m holding.

Southern Miss at SOUTH CAROLINA (-14)

Spurrier has got to let this go, it is the Dante’s Inferno of college football. Fold up the tents, let the planter class play with themselves, it is over in Columbia. The Gamecocks are deader than Paterno’s pecker.

Southern Miss covers

Northwestern (-5) at VANDERBILT

All the smart people are saying Vandy has no chance. All of the dumb people say Vandy has no chance. I’m going to show some faith in my new favorite coach.

Vandy covers.

KENTUCKY (-3) at Louisville

The Cats have great RBS and WRs. Now, if Hartline can just grip the ball. Kentucky will be the SEC surprise team this year.

Kentucky covers

San Jose State at ALABAMA (-39)

Losing Mark Ingram is a huge blow, but I think the Tide will pull themselves together and make it through. They deserve to lose for scheduling this atrocity. It is one thing for USC to have them come across a couple of  county lines, but to go across country for an ass whipping is unforgivable. I’ll give the Spartans credit, they have guts (and a funny kicker).

Bama covers

LSU (-1.5) vs. UNC (Atlanta)

Tough, tough, tough. UNC has done more to lose a game than even Les Miles could imagine. Still, Les is coaching the other team. If Butch Davis survives the scandal, he will be on the Tiger sidelines next year, so show them what you got Butchie.

UNC covers

UL_Laff at GEORGIA (-28)

What the hell? Only 28 points? That should be embarrassing to the red trousers in Athens. I don’t think losing Easley will stop the Dogs, they are on a quest.

Georgia covers

Arkansas State at AUBURN (-31.5)

31.5 is a big number unless you are talking Cam Newton’s errant pases. Oh hell, the Tigers are big time again. They have a good RB, a good WR and possibly a good OL. They will be tough this year.

Auburn covers

Memphis at MISS STATE (-21)

Does Memphis suck that bad? I don’t think so, or rather, the Bulldogs just aren’t 21 points better than anybody – yet.

Memphis covers

Miami, OH at FLORIDA (-34.5)

Foley thought he could just put Miami on the schedule and nobody would notice the (OH). He’s probably right, at least about the SOS people, who are dumber than Mike Gundy. The I-4 Wildman goes crazy and wins the Heisman in this one game. Maybe we will see Emmanuel Moody.

Florida covers

And the cupcakes with sprinkles:

Jacksonville State at OLE MISS

The Rebs are without their 3rd string QB, Jeremiah Masoli. Something about his graduate courses in parks maintenance and the NCAA and weed. That doesn’t matter, the Gamecocks of Calhoun County are out of their league.

Ole Miss wins

Tennessee Tech at ARKANSAS

Petrino is putting his rep on the line here. I think it is safe.

Arkansas covers

UT Martin at TENNESSEE

I live in the state and I don’t even know where Martin might be. The Vols could lose this , but won’t. They’ll be getting their corn on old Rocky Top on Saturday night, in their usual way.

Tennessee covers

A trip through the Louisiana bayou will leave a visitor with three clinging notions. One, the bayou is some hot, muggy, rough, tough country. Two, drinking is a rite of passion, hence the drive-through Margarita stands and laws, or lack thereof, for open container. Three, Louisianans love their Tigers. They’ll take every opportunity to let you know you’re in Bayou Bengal territory and they certainly believe LSU is the best team in this past decade. I’m here to give you facts to support that notion.

Despite wearing hideous purple uniforms, LSU has produced a solid gold and platinum decade of football. LSU is 99-30 in the past ten seasons. The Tigers have completed a 76% winning percentage over a ten year run that averaged almost ten wins per season. That run includes two National Titles (2003, 2007), three SEC Conference Titles (2001, 2003, 2007), four SEC West Division Titles (2001, 2003, 2005, 2007), 8 years in the final AP Poll including five in the Top 10, a 7-3 post season bowl record, and 4 BCS Bowl appearances each one of them a victory.

The Tigers were in a bit of a slump leading into the 2000 season. Blowouts to Auburn and Florida and a loss to UAB that year sparked doubt in the Tiger faithful, but Saban’s ‘No Bullcrap’, business first attitude reassured even the most pessimistic of Cajuns. Saban put LSU back in bowl contention by earning a Peach Bowl invite which concluded with a win over Georgia Tech and capped an 8-4 season. Saban immediately began to instill a better recruiting base for the Tigers that would include names like Matt Mauk, LaBrandon Toefield, Joseph Addai, Bradie James, Marcus Spears, and Corey Webster.

LSU finalized the 2001 regular season with two closing victories over SEC West opponents to regain a national ranking and clinch the division. The Tigers clamped down on the nation’s attention by upsetting #2 Tennessee in the SEC championship game and earned the BCS bid. LSU traveled the 100 miles south to New Orleans to meet #7 Illinois head on in the Sugar Bowl and defeated the Illiini 47-34. They finished #12 in the final Polls.

In 2003, lightening struck the valley and the electricity reverberated through the Louisiana Bayou. The Tigers, led by Nick Saban, cruised through a 12-1 season including a 34-13 mangling win over Georgia in the SEC championship. Destiny led LSU back to New Orleans for a Sugar Bowl National Championship game with #3 Oklahoma. It was a thrilling battle, but in the end the Tigers persevered beating the Sooners 21-14 and earning their first National Title of the decade.

Les Miles took over in 2005 with big irons blazing. His ‘Riverboat Gambler’ mentality fit right into the mischievous Cajun environment. The Tigers earned another West division title in his first season, but lost to Georgia in the SEC championship game. That year the Tigers dismantled #9 Miami in the Peach Bowl with a 40-3 win.

In 2007, lightening struck the valley again. The Tigers spent nearly the entire season at #1 or #2 in the polls with the exception of yielding those ranks following losses to Kentucky and Arkansas. The Tigers still managed to capture another West division title and SEC Championship berth. The loss to the Razorbacks in the final week of the season set up a string of events as bizarre and controversial as the BCS could possibly muster. LSU fell to #5 and defeated Tennessee in the conference championship, then watched as poll leaders West Virginia and Missouri dropped their final games paving the way for LSU to climb right back on top. The BCS was dealt a difficult hand as the polls displayed every team in the Top 10 with 2 or less losses on the season. Nevertheless, destiny led LSU once more down Interstate 10 to the National Championship in New Orleans where they handled Ohio State 38-24.

LSU established themselves not just as a force and contender in the SEC West, but as the class of the division. The road to the SEC championship currently goes through Baton Rouge. In this decade they were 54-10 at home. ESPN The Magazine ranked LSU the #1 Most Spirited Student Section. ESPN.com voted Tiger Stadium the scariest place to play, a notion echoed by opposing SEC coaches. Even Paul “Bear” Bryant, former Alabama Head Coach, is on record stating, “Baton Rouge happens to be the worst place in the world for a visiting team. It’s like being inside a drum.” Every single top 25 crowd attendance record took place in the last decade including the largest ever, 93,039 on November 8, 2008. Leading the way for such results were the 49 players drafted to the NFL, not including the 2009 class. Most notably were college football extraordinaire players Jamarcus Russell and Glen Dorsey.

The LSU Football Tiger program has either been superior or highly competitive on the field in nearly every single game this past decade. Monster college football talent, excellent coaching, and a fan base that ranks second to none have all contributed to the division of excellence in Baton Rouge, Louisiana witnessed by the college football nation. The Bayou Bengal bid for ‘Team of the Decade’ is strong and paralleled by few teams in the last ten years.

None of this is highly unusual. The Gators have been jumping in the air, waving their arms and yelling, “Hey, look at me”, ever since Tim Tebow arrived on campus, all the while constantly keeping the press informed that all of the attention just causes them too much pressure. The whole thing reeks of Paris Hilton and her mangy little chihuahua calling a presser to say leave me alone. The Gators love the drama when it suits them. When every team in the SEC had outbreaks of flu, Florida’s was worse, even though it was just “flu-like symptoms.” 100 guys had concussions this year, but Tebow was the bravest of them all when he played. It is like discussing summer vacation with a bunch of Jr. High kids, one guy always has to one up everybody else.

What is unusual is that Florida failed to control the message. They have been masters at only allowing the positive spin on any subject. Even their multiple arrests and subsequent dismissals get played off as Meyer and Timmy doing what’s best for these wayward youth. The GatorNation is a shadow state, where everything is hidden just enough for nobody ever to have to face any direct responsibility. Anything that they want made public, they send the village idiots, Dooley and Fowler, out to spread the word. Typically, Sunday’s press conference was dominated by questions from UF beat writers and other sycophants, with little input from the national guys that we know were in attendance.

Now, this whole story is starting to unravel right in the University’s face. A high level Florida official who, for obvious reasons, spoke on the condition of anonymity, has admitted that this has been more smoke and mirrors than anything else. Coach Meyer’s chest pains are a result of anxiety and panic attacks, not a heart condition. As a result, he was prescribed Xanax. As Meyer’s mental and emotional state worsened, so did his dependence on the drug. The 911 call was not a result of Ambien or a possible heart attack, two of the more widely reported excuses, but because he was unresponsive after taking 10 mg of Xanax.

Florida officials went into crisis control mode. The recruiting season had to be saved and a cover story invented to hold until the quiet search and acquisition of a new head coach could be completed.  One thing that was certain, the Sugar Bowl or maybe even the SEC CG, would be Meyer’s last game as head coach.

Courtesy: imac

Of late, the facade was already staring to crack. The sleezeball DUI, petty theft lawyer, who is all but on staff, gave a smirking interview that left anyone with any sensibilities wanting a bath after reading it. Opposing coaches made warranted and loud complaints about officiating. The Gators’ dirty play drew enough attention to warrant a direct, if quiet, warning before the SEC Championship Game. That left two of their worst offenders, Spikes and Wright, virtually ineffective. In the week following that game, the lid blew off some of the team’s and coaches behavior in the previous two weeks. That left Billy Gonzalez banished to Baton Rouge and a huge CYA effort was under way throughout not only the football organization, but the entire athletic department.  Another source close to the Gator program has let it be known that not only was Carlos Dunlap not the only team member involved in the drunken revelry on that now infamous night, but that night was not an isolated incident. Gonzalez knew about the consistent rule breaking, and in all fairness to Meyer, did not inform the head coach until later. When Meyer did find out, none of the players were punished (other than Dunlap of course), but Gonzalez is now in Les Miles hell. This isn’t the first time Gonzalez has taken the rap. He has been Urban’s scapegoat for awhile now. Of course, Dunlap will play in the Sugar Bowl.

Meyer has accomplished a lot in 5 years at Florida and by their low standards, it has been amazing. Still, the question has to be: has success caused Meyer all of this stress or is it the constant coverup and double life? A lot of coaches have won a lot more for a lot longer period of time than Meyer. Different ones handled it different ways. Bud Wilkinson exercised and was involved in his community when cameras weren’t around. Woody Hayes studied history and screamed and yelled. Bear Bryant had whiskey, Chesterfields and an occasional bet on the ponies. The difference is, those men never claimed to be anything other than what they were. They coached football, changed the lives of young men and let the results speak for themselves.

If Meyer is going to relieve himself of some of his stress,  he is going to have to be honest about his addictions and the cause. Reportedly, Tim Tebow is working with him and plans a laying on of hands. This will not do it. Addiction is not curable, is not a religious failing. It is a serious disease and the only remittance is total honesty and acceptance of your part in the problem. In my 15 years as a recovering alcoholic and addict, work as a counselor and a member of several substance abuse advisory boards, I have never seen one case where the addiction symptoms were successfully treated in another way.

At this point, we don’t know where and when Urban Meyer will coach again, but we are almost certain it will not be in Gainesville. He is a hell of a coach, but his behavior begs yet another question: Is the sense of entitlement and lack of respect for opponents displayed by the team and fans a result of Meyer’s attitude and personality or is it the other way around?

The relationship between Meyer and Tebow has always been a little odd.  It is hard to lose someone who has meant everything. The relationship between the two sometimes seems to be the reverse of the norm between a 45 year old man and his 20 year old pupil, but the extremist religious sects are built on just that kind of role reversal. The con makes himself indispensable to the point where the victim feels all things must flow from him. Maybe Meyer’s dreams and insecurities collided last week and caused that moment of high anxiety.  If the victim already has insecurities that can be exploited, he is in danger of abuse by himself, as well as others.

Kentucky vs. Clemson (Music City Bowl, Nashville)

Creek: Clemson’s coach, Dabo Swinney, has the distinction of being the only former Bama reserve QB to not have a fanbase. In fact, he may be the only one that Bama fans never heard of. Kentucky, however, is where Coach Bryant won his first national championship.  This is a home game for the Cats, this their third appearance in three years and a rematch with the Tigers. CJ Spiller may be the most exciting player in college football, but KY is as healthy as they have been in a couple of years. Lindley, Cobb and company take this one. Kentucky wins.

Musket: Here’s the thing, I’m on island time in Hawaii where time is like a papercut on the pointer finger knuckle… annoying. I remember a Luau, a red sand beach, a black sand beach, a Mai Tai, a fifteen foot swell, a coral reef, a whale breech, not much else. I forfeit this game because the first time the Music City Bowl sunk into my salt water soaked brain was when I caught the final three minutes on the screen at the Hula Grill.

Monday 12/28

Texas A&M  vs. Georgia (Independence Bowl, Shreveport, LA)

Creek: Mark Richt has given me flashbacks of Ray Goff this year. For a coach whose teams have been known for consistency, the Dawgs have been remarkably sporadic in their play.  Still, the tools are there. A&M is a puzzle in their own right. You have to figure them to win 6 in the weak Big 12, but are they any good beyond that? I don’t think so. The combination of AJ Greene and no Martinez as DC means Georgia wins.

Musket: What we all know is that Georgia has the tools in the garage, the problem is the mechanics haven’t scanned the manuals and adjusted their shop technique for the upgraded models. Georgia is trying to play a style of football that many SEC teams ditched before teenagers were born with cell phones for ears. That doesn’t mean the Bulldogs aren’t good enough to wax the floor with Texas’ illegitimate step son. Georgia wins.

Tuesday 12/29

Temple  vs.  UCLA  (EagleBank Bowl, Washington DC)

Creek: Huh?  You are kidding, right?  Lowly Army had to lose for Slick Rick to get this invite. That is pathetic. Under normal circumstances, I wouldn’t give the Owls a chance, but this is different. I have these visions of Neuheisel’s recruiting helicopter being blown out of the sky when he buzzes the White House. I can see the UCLAN’s disappearing  from 14th street, into a white slavery den in the sewers below DuPont Circle.   Temple wins.

Musket: The only thing softer than UCLA’s baby blue and incubator weather is their football play. Instead of providing the Trojans with a legitimate rivalry, the Bruins are reduced to scrapping with MAC team for some sort tainted pride. Temple was once shown the door by the Big East, now the Owls can make a statement for another invite. Still, I have to go with talent. UCLA wins.

Miami vs. Wisconsin  (Champs Sports Bowl, Orlando, FL)

Creek: Holy crap, what kind of game is this? Jacory Harris has thrown for 17 interceptions and been sacked 29 times, while throwing 23 TDs. He is basically left to fend for himself  behind a line thatis nearly as bad as it is possible to be. Wisconsin relies mostly on the run, with an adequate enough passing game to be somewhat balanced. The real question is how did both of these teams only lose three games. They deserve Orlando and Orlando deserves them. Nobody will notice this game anyway, by then Urban Meyer will be firmly ensconced on a non extradition treaty beach, giving the finger to media aircraft with one hand and drinking Mai Tai’s from Tebow’s cup, chalice with the other.  Nobody in central Florida will even notice as Wisconsin wins.

Musket: Milk, cheese, and fat steaks are made by the strongest, most durable Americans in the state of Wisconsin. These guys knock out chores in -15 degree weather at 5 AM wearing short sleeve shirts and still manage to break a sweat. Unfortunately, since Barry Alvarez called it quits they no longer kick asses at Camp Randall. Miami rolls into Orlando on the high side of their bi-polar mood. Miami wins.

Wednesday 12/30

Bowling Green  vs. Idaho (Humanitarian Bowl,  Smurf Turf, Idaho)

Creek: Here we go again. If Idaho wins does this mean that they should be national champions?  I can’t keep the arguments straight, but then again, I was never a kindergarten teacher. Ho-Hum, Bowling Green wins.

Musket: There aren’t many Bowling Green alumnus that don’t proudly garner Scarlet and Grey on weekends. Idaho doesn’t have that issue. Their only competition for in-state fans is with the under ground militia that recently upgraded to night vision sights on their M-16 rifles. Idaho will be jacked, but Bowling Green will score at will. Bowling Green wins.

Nebraska vs. Arizona (Holiday Bowl, San Diego)

Creek: Finally, a real game, featuring one of the two best players in football. Mr. Suh, the recent POTY Award winner, will wreak havoc on Mr. Foles, the AZ QB.  The Cats have done a good job of protecting him and he spreads the ball around well. Six receivers have more than 300 yards of reception yardage. The Huskers really have no offense to speak of, other than the RB Halu, who has over 1300 yds. If they can keep Zac  Lee from giving the game away, Suh should McCoy the Cats into submission. Nebraska wins.

Musket: Oh, the humanity! In the history of man, no one has ever traveled back in time except for the Big 12 officials that somehow recovered time for the play clock. Never mind that the clock stops only when the referee’s whistle and arm motion allow it, neither of which was evident in the alleged indisputable video evidence. Nebraska was let down, the Wildcats play football with more reckless abandon than an escaped convict in strip bar. Arizona wins.

Thursday 12/31

Air Force vs. Houston (Armed Forces Bowl, Ft. Worth, TX)

Creek: Is Case Keenum going to throw for 500 yards and 50 points? Yep, but the Falcons will run for 600 and score 63.  Air Force wins

Musket: Houston is a tiny shred of defense away from being a top 10 team. That’s all it would take to allow Case Keenum to score more points than any opponent. Houston wins.

Stanford vs. Oklahoma  (Sun Bowl, El Paso, TX)

Creek: It is a little tiresome to keep reading about the Sooners having much to prove, on and on. What they need to prove is that they are not a very good football team and that Bob Stoops is not the most overrated coach in America, now that Meyer has retired, resigned, quit, become a drama queen. Stanford wins

Musket: Toby Gerhart may be the perfect combination of power, vision, and speed. He reads his offensive line like a children’s book and when they can’t create an opening, he creates his own. The Sooners might very well be sitting bowls out this season if it wasn’t for their #7 defense in the country. Still, the Cardinals offense is hotter than molten lava. Stanford wins.

Missouri  vs. Navy  (Texas Bowl, Houston, TX)

Creek: When Missouri joins the Big 10 will this loss count against the conference record? Tigers are terrible. Navy is bad, but not that bad. Navy wins.

Musket: The Midshipmen fight like the old Tin Can soldiers of WWII against all odds and win, by golly. This is, and almost always has been a tough bunch. Ask Pitt. Ask Notre Dame. Missouri made theri run, failed, and now must live in the shadows of the Big 12 until Oklahoma State is finished absorbing the leftover Sooner and Longhorn recruits. Navy wins.

Minnesota vs. Iowa State (Insight Bowl, Tempe, AZ)

Creek: Worst game of the year. Who could possibly give a damn? Not me. Minnesota wins.

Musket: Agreed. Minnesota wins.

VA Tech vs Tennessee (Chic-Fil-A Bowl, Atlanta, GA)

Creek: Did you know that Frank Beemer invented special teams? Just in case you haven’t read that enough this week. VA Tech can be dangerous if the offense is in synch. They just aren’t all that often.  Then we have the Vols. Who knows what team will show up here as well. I’m going to hold my nose and give the lean toward Hardesty and Crompton to have great career enders, while Berry tries to contribute without getting hurt.  Watch for the halftime show when they launch fireworks from Beemer’s goiter. Tennessee wins.

Musket: You’ll enjoy watching Virginia Tech’s offense if you like bleeding from your eyes. To think of what Monty will do to the Hokie’s game plan makes me cring as if I saw a spotted fawn mowed down by an eighteen wheel big rig. The pick for this game is simple. What’s dificult is trying to determine how many zings Lane tosses at Florida considering all the recent Urban Meyer hoopla. Tennessee wins.

The Picks Moves Onward
Creek vs. Musket, Week II

Oregon State vs BYU (Maaco Bowl Las Vegas)

Musket: The Beavers involved themselves in easily the most horrific bowl game of the 2008- 2009 season in a 3-0 win over Pitt. Most viewers began bleeding from their eyes because of how bad a game it was. Oregon State is again reeling from a would-have-been, could-have-been season. BYU wins.

Creek: It sure is hard to pick against the Rodgers boys. They are truly fun to watch on the field. They account for most of the Beaver offense. Canfield does a great job getting the ball to them, when he isn’t running for his life. The Cougars, on the other hand, fumble a lot, throw a lot of interceptions and leave their QB to die in the backfield.  This game is in Vegas, perfect for a guy named Bronco. Of course, you won’t find Bronco in the Belagio, he’s a West Vegas kind of guy.  I hope his dominatrix ties him up and runs loops of the FSU game. That should break his will.  Oregon State wins.

Utah vs California (San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl)

Musket: California is quite possibly the most dangerous adversary to a gamblers wallet. It’s very much possible that the smelly haze hovering above Tightwad Hill occasionally blows across the field and damages the Bears reliability and performance. Utah is a shell of the team that beat Bama last season. Cal wins.

Creek: What are we going to do with the Bears? They have a good coach, a pretty good group of players and have one of the more fun campuses in the world. Why do they continue to break my heart? Rumor has it that Mario Silva and Country Joe McDonald will give the pre game talk. That should fire them up or at least teach them about guts.  Utah? They beat Bama last year in the Sugar Bowl. One win against a decent team every five or six years means they should be eternal national champs. Just ask Sen. Booby Hatch. Screw ‘em. Cal wins.

Nevada vs Southern Methodist  (Sheraton Hawaii Bowl)

Musket: It took a while, but Nevada finally found ammunition for their Pistol Offense. After being held below 22 points in each of their first three games the Wolfpack averaged 49.5 points in their final nine. Nevada wins.

Creek: Nevada keeps surprising me. Pick them, they don’t cover, go against them, they do. That’s like being supportive of your multi personality girlfriend in her time of need. It is better just to go your own way and get some sleep.  SMU became the Pentecostal favorite sleeper rather than the much bally-hooed Baylor.  I don’t know how to pick these two. I think the winner will be the team who best handles the Honolulu nightlife. SMU boosters have deep pockets and like to spread it around. The Wolfie alum will be riding around looking for a cut rate Polynesian version of the Chicken Ranch. The Mustangs will be focused and satisfied, while the Wolfies will be on Xanax to ease their frustration. SMU wins.

Marshall vs Ohio (Little Caesars Bowl)

Musket: An Athens Saturday consists of a mid-afternoon wake-up, anything greasy to eat to help nurse a raging hangover, a trip to Court Street for happy hour, and I’m not exactly sure what happened after that. Bobcat football is not usually on the agenda, Solich changed that this year. Ohio wins.

Creek: Frankie So was just too much for Nebraska to handle. Athens, Ohio has a much more understanding atmosphere, plus look for ways to solve problems rather than make them bigger. Give Frankie a driver. Duh!  Give Frankie a Gold Card to a “Gentlemen’s Club.”  That keeps him off of the streets and the coeds. Marshall fired their coach and hired a good one. That is great for next year, but may not work for this week.  Ohio wins.

Pitt vs North Carolina (Meineke Car Care Bowl)

Musket: Pitt is coming off a disappointing 2 game losing streak that led hopes of a BCS appearance astray to the slums of Big East. UNC is making their return visit after dropping the Meineke to the Mountaineers a season ago. Defenses will be angry this day. Pitt wins.

Creek: Wannstache, Wannstache, Wanstache.   UNC wins.

Boston College vs USC (Emerald Bowl)

Musket: The mighty Trojan machine finally jumped the track and plowed into the side of a mountain (at least by recent standards) after an impressive seven year run. USC is still oozing with NFL caliber talent and with a few weeks to boil over the season, Pete Carroll will be ready for a massacre. USC wins.

Creek: There really isn’t much to this game. The Trojans don’t want to be here. BC is happy to be anywhere besides Boston right now. Makes no difference, McKnight is going to roll over that bunch of nuns like a Land Rover. This has been a very frustrating year for USC, full of a lot of little dramas. Pete is good at handling that kind of thing. An experienced QB and some defensive consistency would make it easier to handle.  BC is just BC. Why are they here? I will be in Boston next week and will try to find the answer to the main question – Do you give a damn?  USC wins.

Week I – PICK ‘EM AND EAT ‘EM

Your nearly intrepid team of prognosticators will now attempt to  make sense of college football’s second season. The regular season champ, Musket, will be picking from his ashram high in the mountains of West Virginia, surrounded by his team of analysts, data banks, a team of  former coaches breaking down film that would rival Nick Saban’s  and armed with his own inimitable logic.

Creek will try his original and totally unsuccessful system of just deciding who has the best food, best women, libraries, architecture. music or any other totally unrelated factor, has done the stupidest or funniest things, sometimes add some actual football knowledge, stir and heat on low until it is done. Then try to post it from whatever town he has landed in on publication day. Today’s version comes to you from Washington DC, but it is likely that others will come from Little Rock, Raleigh, Oklahoma City and a combination hash and whore bar in Amsterdam.

Musket has even added some juice to this challenge by holding Creek’s erstwhile love interest, Pioneer Girl, in an undisclosed location, only to be returned to us if Creek wins. The stakes are high as we enter the first week or so. Same formula – straight up picks for the games through December 26. Then we will pick the next ten, then 1/1 and 1/2, and finally the winner of Alabama’s slaughter of Texas.

Saturday,   12/19

New Mexico Bowl:  Fresno State vs. Wyoming, from Albuquerque, 4:30 PM

Musket: The Equality State is where people are scarce and offense is scarcer. The Cowboys rank 112^th in total offense in the nation and lost to every team on the schedule with a winning record including a host loss to Texas, which was the biggest event in Wyoming since Buffalo Bill’s ‘Wild West Show’. Pat Hill’s Bulldogs have played anyone and everyone at anyplace and making go-time easy is bowling ball running back Ryan Mathews who ranks 1^st in the nation in rushing yards per game. There will be no hog tying Mathews. Fresno State wins.

Creek : I wouldn’t pick Wyoming to beat Bryn Mawr. Of course, the last time I said something like that they played Texas pretty well for 30 minutes. Still, Fresno wins.

St. Petersburg Bowl Bowl Presented by Beef  ‘O’ Brady’s :  Rutgers  vs. UCF,  8 PM

Musket: Rutgers’ offensive line is like a convoy of 10 ton bulldozers plowing through a grove of saplings. When they take a three point stance at the line of scrimmage, New Jersey barely has enough land area to prevent the state from falling into the earth. There’s enough of beef to make up for a freshman quarterback and running back named Jersey Joe that simply lowers his cranium and boars through the hole. Rutgers wins.

Creek : I have to with UCF on this. I like that semi-home field advantage. Naturally there are plenty of Garden State transplants in St. Pete, but they are all worn out from the mah jong tourney. UCF wins.

Sunday, 12/20

R+L Carriers Bowl:  Southern Miss  vs. Middle Tennessee State,   New Orleans,  8:30 PM

Musket: Here’s the winning Golden Eagle game plan; throw bombs to DeAndre Brown. Make it look like Baghdad, Saigon, Hiroshima, Nagasaki, whatever. Just throw the bombs. Southern Miss has solid talent, but has knack for letting teams hang around. Chalk it up to a defense that spends more time chasin’ tail than ball carriers. This game has the makings for a shootout. Southern Miss will be caught sleeping in yet another New Orleans appearance by a fired up Blue Raider squadron. Middle Tennessee State wins.

Creek:   MTSU is going through some transition, but how hard can that be in Murfreesboro? Dodging the weekend drunks coming home from Tootsie’s is about as exciting as it gets there. At least Hattiesburg has a good military insane asylum, things change there according to the moon.  Southern Miss players go to NOLA between classes. I  like the Musket’s thinking, the Raiders will be on fire. Dwight Dasher will make the Eagle D look like the French Army.   MTSU wins.

ALABAMA vs. Florida (-5.5) This is a dangerous position to be in. You pick Bama and you are going against God’s Other Son and the Chosen People. This is Old Testament God too, despite the proselytizing and evangelical histrionics. These are people that can smite (or bite, kick and poke) you and you aren’t allowed to complain or smite back. The only thing these people know about football history is if your team committed the same penalty or had a player arrested in the last 30 years. Nothing else counts. Gator Nation is the most insecure bunch you will ever be around. They have been winners for such a short time that they aren’t sure how to handle it. The mere mention of a player from another team who may deserve some recognition is met with horror, indignation and a retreat to their bedroom to search the internet for some proof that none of this could be true. They give stripes for legal cases dropped. It is sad because they also have a damn good football team, one of the best ever, I’m told. I’m pretty sure it is the best team of the last few years. Their opponent, the Alabama Crimson Tide is just meat and potatoes, just another run of the mill football team with no superstars, dash runners and probably not even a virgin. I don’t know how they will compete, without even a sackful of putzes to display to Bob Davie, Gary Danielson and the others on those late night Skype video sessions.

Tuscaloosa does have a world famous rib joint, Dreamland. Gainesville has Hardees, which the Gators pronounce Har-DAYs. Tuscaloosa has a 92,000 seat stadium, which seats 92,000. Gainesville has a 90,000 seat stadium that seats 100,000. Tuscaloosa has as an alum who is the heir to the majority position in Coca Cola of America. Gainesville has Gator Aid, which is owned by Coca Cola. Tuscaloosa’s coach will still be there next year. The closest Florida’s coach will get to Gainesville after January is the Outback Bowl. But, Tuscaloosa is not the home of Tim Tebow. The kid may be the most annoying adolescent in history, but he can damn sure play football. If you buy his line of bullshit, he can be one inspirational dude. He heals himself, he can run and pass and he claims to have never been spoiled by female flesh. Of course, judging by some of his behavior, that may be no great sacrifice. Give this a thought – college boys like to brag about their sexual exploits. Tebow can honestly say, “I’ve turned down more than you’ve ever had.” Florida has another guy who, when not practicing ophthalmology or playing hop scotch on the heads of opposing players who happen to be on the ground, is one fine linebacker. Truly a dangerous man on the football field.

In response, Bama has Mount Cody, the world’s largest sex machine. In just two years on campus, Terence has turned Sorority Row into his personal harem. There are a couple of other guys – Ingram, McClain, some others, who are pretty good football players, but they haven’t turned their personal lives into a reality show, so they aren’t as well known as Florida’s missionary positioners.

We will hear a lot of talk this week about all of the variables in this game, what it will take to win. What it will take for Bama to win is to keep Greg McElroy from going out after a late hit, the zebras to put on their glasses and throw some flags and, most importantly, for Saban to have his boys disciplined enough to understand that winning the game is more important than winning the fight. ALABAMA covers.

Alabama (-10) at Auburn – The Iron bowl, or the “Arn Bowl” if you want anybody in Lee County to understand you. I’ve got to give Chizik and Mozambilestan, or whatever the high school coach who is the Tigers’ OC is called, a lot of credit. They have put together a pretty good football team, much better than expected. They have taken an outstanding RB and two bad QBs and fashioned a very dangerous offense. The game is in Jordan-Hare, around 185 miles from Tuscaloosa. That’s about 2 hours and 40 minutes by car or 50 years in the Way Back machine. People in the state like to say that anything can happen in this game – and they are right. Bama could score 7 unanswered TDs or 11. Ingram could run for 200 yards or 300. Only two things are for sure – Terrence Cody sets an SEC sexual fulfillment record at Toomer’s Corner on Friday night and Alabama covers.

Ole Miss (-8) at Mississippi State – Here’s the dilemma, did last week’s game count as a good one for the Reb’s? I (along with just about everybody else who picks SEC games) had a lot of trouble counting on Houston the Nutt for two good games in a row. Just like I have all season, I did it anyway. And, just like all season, Nutt screwed me. Though they tried to help the zebras in giving the game to LSU, in just about every way possible, Les just wouldn’t take it. So, is Ole Miss due a good game or one where they just run around, looking at the ground for Snead’s passes? I really don’t know, but the story line is this – Ole Miss can stop Dixon, but Missy State can’t stop McCluster. The other story line is whether the Klan will follow the Rebels to Starkville. If they do, I don’t think they’ll stand out, so it really isn’t a factor. Ole Miss covers.

Arkansas at LSU (-3.5) - Did the boys in Cleveland, who supply the line to the boys in Vegas, even watch the LSU / Ole Miss game? For that matter, the R – Kansas / Missy State game? Ryan Mallet is a great QB. Jordan Jefferson is a gutless idiot. Bobby Petrino is cunning and ruthless. Les Miles is the worst coach in the SEC. What good does it do you to have two of the best WRs in the league when you have the two worst QBs? The Bayou Bengals are going down to a humiliating, but well deserved defeat. This is a shame; there are some exceptional players on that team, especially on defense. But, when the offense leaves you with just 30 yards to defend every series, the other team has Ryan Mallett and your coach is a fool, only bad things can happen. Did you know that all of those famous half naked pics of “LSU co-eds” are really of “models” from Beaumont? Did you know Les puts tomatoes in his gumbo? Arkansas covers.

Last year, the student body governments of Ole Miss and LSU decided to add a new feature to the intense rivalry that is the annual game of football between the two Universities.  The rivalry was at its height during the 1950’s and 1960’s when both schools fielded teams that contended for, and won, the national championship but had died down primarily because Ole Miss did not field conference nor nationally competitive teams in the 1970’s and much of the 1980’s.  The rivalry has recently picked up steam since 2003, when the game determined who would go to the SEC Championship game.

For many years, the game had been played on October 31, Halloween Night, alternating between sites, although only thirteen of the games have been played in Oxford.  The other ‘home’ games for the Rebels were traditionally  played in Jackson, Mississippi, until the capacity of the stadium at Oxford was expanded.

So, after a few years of discussion, it was determined that some sort of trophy or prize should be given to the winner of this contest, which has been played annually since 1945, although the two schools first met in 1894.  Student body representatives from both schools met and came up with the idea to call the game The Magnolia Bowl, since the Magnolia is the State Flower for both Louisiana and Mississippi, and a trophy was designed which would be awarded to the winner.

Ole Miss won the first Magnolia Bowl last year in Baton Rouge, beating the Tigers 31 – 13.  The second year of the Magnolia Bowl bears significance since both teams are bowl eligible. The winner should be in a position to play in a more prestigious bowl game.  Should Ole Miss win, it would also move them into a second place tie with LSU in the SEC West and give them identical season won/loss records of 8 – 3.  LSU holds a 55 – 38 – 4 advantage in the series and the Rebels ended a six game slide with the victory last year.

This is the final home game for Ole Miss this year and the Rebels will be making their 22nd appearance on CBS and their second straight Saturday this season.  The senior class will be recognized in pre-game ceremonies and the 1959 National Championship team, the team that defeated LSU 21 – 0 to win the crown, will be honored.

Hotty Toddy!

Mississippi State at Arkansas (-10.5) Ryan Mallett has certainly lived up to his build up.  I have to admit, I was skeptical. Guys who quit a program never work out.  Look at Troy Aikman. Bobby Petrino might be the craftiest coach in the league. His team always seems to be prepared for the week’s opponent. They may be outperformed, but they aren’t running around wondering what the hell is going on, like past Hawg teams. Dan Mullen is doing more with less than any coach in the conference. Anthony Dixon is it. It is hard to run the option when you only have one. Thing is, Dixon is a damn good one to have. Bama held him to under 100 yards, but R – Kansas is not Bama. The MSU defense is quite good and getting better. The Arkansas D is mediocre and getting less so. Well, Mallett or Dixon? I like Dixon and the points. Mississippi State covers.

LSU at Ole Miss (- 4) Whoever is this week’s starting QB for LSU is still the league’s worst. The only choice for Les is would he rather die by interception or mass confusion. The Tigers have talent, but have not been able to convert that into consistent talented play. Maybe the only team less consistent is Ole Miss. Houston the Nutt pulled a Mark Richt and almost forgot that Dexter McCluster plays for the Rebs, much like Richt’s lack of use of Moreno in the first couple of games a couple of years ago. Well, the Rt. Rev is getting his money’s worth now. McCluster might be one of the best three or four players in the conference. LSU has the talent on defense to stop or at least slow him, but they won’t. The Tigers have quit for the year, if they ever really started. Elsewhere on this page, I picked LSU to win, though. That shows you the kind of confidence I have in these teams and that I am convinced that all of the changes in the Tiger coaching staff were merely cosmetic.  Also, I simply changed my mind over the course of 24 hours.  Once again, based on one game, I will predict that Ole Miss is on track. It is risky to predict that the Rebs will perform well two weeks in a row, but – Ole Miss covers.

Alabama is facing UT – Chattanooga in a warm up to next Friday’s Iron Bowl. Nick Saban likes to say that he doesn’t have anything to do with scheduling and he obviously doesn’t. When CBS exercised their contractual right and moved the Auburn game up a day, he was one pissed little coach. He was never particularly pleased with this week’s game anyway.  There is really nothing either he or Mal Moore could do about this, the SEC and CBS rule, but the ass whipping coming to Florida will come in the Tide’s fifth straight game, after having their only off week after game eight. More on all of that, the Iron Bowl and the entire second tier, wannabe classic rivalry games next week. One interesting sidelight to the UT-C game, the Moccasins star QB is none other than B.J. Coleman. You will remember BJ as the QB who Lane Kiffin ran off after spring training and a great many Vol watchers and fans considered a possible savior from another year of being Cromptoned. Funny how this stuff works out.

Auburn prepares to host the next National Champion by taking a nap. Word is they are going to clean the streets and put fresh water in the troughs and the tailgating should be great with the sandwiches made from the leftover traditional Thanksgiving opossum. Jordan – Hare is a great place to watch a football game and it being Saturday, all of the breeding stock should be off of the field and in the stands.