The Real Bearcat Candidates
I feel for fellow Big East competitor Cincinnati. Brian Kelly is nothing more than a head coaching hooker for giving up his services at the drop of a stack of Benjamins. I, myself, have recently felt the pain of abandonment at the mercy of another head coaching hooker, Rich Rodriguez. Therefore, I took it upon myself to derive a list of prominent candidates for the Cincinnati head coaching position:
Nicholas Lambrinides (Founder of Skyline Chili) – Cincinnati developed a very explosive offense on the football field, it makes sense to stick with a man that is familiar with a similarly explosive product, only most of Lambrinide’s results have been in the restroom. He is a hometown guy extremely inventive with limited resources which is said to aide in continuing to compete against Pitt and West Virginia with inferior recruits. Lambrinide should help Cincinnati’s overall size as he has been able to add bulk to undersized rosters. He is also credited with being a master at organizing speed and quickness drills. The obstacles encountered when dashing for a toilet is not unlike avoiding and shedding would be blockers.
Nick Lachey (unknown) – Lachey is infamous for putting aside any and all distractions to focus on his career; this includes one of the hottest, most astoundingly proportionate women ever to garb a bikini and set foot in the sand. It is believed Lachey would choreograph moves into his offense that would leave every man on the field embarrassed and ashamed. Also a hometown fella’, Lachey will be able to handle adverse weather in November, however he is also expected to be successful in Tampa Bay since has played in 98 degrees.
Bob Huggins (WVU Head Basketball Coach) – Having been able to construct a winning basketball program with the Bearcats, it is believed Huggins will be able to maintain the same success in football. Cincinnati is willing to offer bottomless kegs of Hudepohl, a full-time driver, and ten ‘get out of jail free’ passes. Huggins is currently negotiating a lower academic qualification standard to make Cincinnati 1/32 instead of 3/32 as difficult to get in as Notre Dame.
Chad Ochocinco (Cincinnati Bengal’s Wide Receiver) – One of the Bearcat’s biggest weaknesses is in the roster. At one point in time it seemed every Bearcat player had a last name starting with a ‘G’. Currently, names like Guidugli, Goebel, Pead, and Vidal Hazelton are either too difficult to remember or just look hideous on the back of a jersey. Ochocinco is a doctorate in the Spansih language and a master of the art of visionary celebration. He will provide the key phrases and wording to to whip roster aesthetics into shape.
There has one candidate dropped:
Calvin Brodus, a.k.a. Snoop Dogg (Hip Hop Artist) – Like Brian Kelly treated the Bearcats after the regualr season, it is feared that Snoop will enjoy success then ‘drop it like it’s hot’.
Personally, I’d go with Chad Ochoocinco. He’s shown loyalty in sticking with the Bengals, he’ll restore confidence and swagger in the program, and what prominent high school recruit can say no to gold grills and sombreros? Let the party begin, Coach Ochocinco.