The Execution of Common Sense in Texas
What had happened was this…One day in December about two weeks before Saint Nicholas was supposed to go out and see all the good little girls and boys Mike Leach and his cousin Leons decided to totally ruin Coach Leach’s career. Well, they both thought together, how’s this gonna’ happen? What can we do to really screw up this good thing we’ve got going down here in godforsaken Lubbock, TX? “I know!” said cousin Leons, “you know how you’ve got all the football-playin’-boys practicin’ for that Alamo Bowl? You could pick on one of these boys, you know just for fun, and make them stand in a two lawnmower and a John Deer Gator garage during practice. And if you pick on that football-playin’-boy who’s got the daddy with the microphone who works for the ESPNs you know he’ll talk about it all on the ESPNs and we can get our names in the paper! Now wouldn’t that be fun?!” And so they did. Mike Leach and his cousin Leons took advantage of Adam-James-Craig-James’-son when he came to practice wearing the sun-shade-glasses. The doctor said he could come to practice with all the other football-playin’-boys, but he still didn’t quite feel all 110%, he only felt about 73%, not even up to the 75%.
Well, after the next day or two, Cousin Leons said to Coach Mike Leach, “CML, we’re gonna’ haf’ta put the little dude back in the two lawnmower and a John Deer Gator garage during practice again. We didn’t get our names in the paper yet.” To which Coach Mike Leach must have said, “Cousin Leons, that’s a good idea and all, but let’s not put the little catcher-dude in the luxurious two lawnmower and a John Deer Gator garage during practice, let’s put him in the place where all the wires and junk are. The soothing sound of all the humming from all those electricity wires and stuff will calm the ache and soothe the weary soul that is Adam-James-Craig-James’-son.” And so they did. And what does Adam-James-Craig-James’-son do? Just what cousin Leons thinks he’s gonna’ do; He tells his daddy and all of ESPNs on mean old Coach Mike Leach.
But what about Adam James? Maybe his balls didn’t drop when they were supposed to. Maybe he should plan a trip to Oz with the cowardly lion to get courage from the Wizard. Maybe he’s never had to stand on his own. Well he finally had to stand on his own for about two hours at a time. Even by Supernanny Standards that’s a tad too long. Supernanny would have the child that needed discipline to stand removed from the rest of the group for one minute for each year that child was old. So Adam-James-Craig-James’-son would have to stand in the naughty spot for 21 minutes. Then after that time Adam-James-Craig-James’-son would have to tell the coach that he’s sorry and that he loves him and that he’ll be a good boy from now on. Wait a minute, hold the phone – we’re not talking about a “child”, we’re talking about a 21 year old “adult” man-child who is old enough to join the service, join the Peace Corps, vote in elections, sit on a jury, buy cigarettes, or walk into a liquor store and buy whatever he wants without wondering if his fake ID is good enough.
When you have an unorthodox coach like Coach Leach what do you expect? What do you think would have happened if Adam-James-Craig-James’-son had been treated like Edward Britton last March? Edward had study issues so he was “encouraged” by being made to study at the 50 yard line of Jones AT&T Stadium after the end of the Red Raiders’ practice, in 30 degree weather, in the snow-go ahead and add uphill both ways. Too bad Edward’s daddy doesn’t work for the ESPNs.
So here are my main questions: If Adam-James-Craig-James’-son was “locked” in the two lawnmower and a John Deer Gator garage during practice, why aren’t there criminal charges for false imprisonment? If Adam-James-Craig-James’-son was told something like, “don’t come out of there or you’re off the team”, doesn’t that make it Adam-James-Craig-James’-son’s decision to actually stay in the two lawnmower and a John Deer Gator garage? If Adam-James-Craig-James’-son was put in the two lawnmower and a John Deer Gator garage and watched over, or guarded, aren’t the “guards” equally responsible for any wrong doing?
I actually threw up in my mouth last night during the Nebraska-Arizona Pacific Life Bowl when Craig-James-Adam-James-father said that this whole ordeal has been tough on his family. What’s the tough part? Where the whole world finds out that Adam-James-Craig-James’-son doesn’t have a good work ethic because if he did he would have handled the entire situation differently. Revisiting the team doctor or a personal family physician to adequately evaluate his injury would have been a super-fantastic start. Was the tough part hoping that people in Texas had forgotten the NCAA death penalty scandal of the 1980’s even though Craig-James-Adam-James-father was never accused of any wrongdoing? Or was the tough part that other news outlets weren’t reporting the story with the same slant that the ESPNs was?
What about Coach Leach’s family- including cousin Leons, it’s been tough on them too.
This is a better take on the situation than any I’ve seen or heard yet. Leave it to Div to break it down to the reality and the absurd.
Plus, it is funny too.
Very nice Div….well written and it cuts to the chase……iy is a real shame one spoiled kid can cause that much trouble…..
This is a hoot! Very well done!!