On to the picks – As in nose – Which I’m holding.

Southern Miss at SOUTH CAROLINA (-14)

Spurrier has got to let this go, it is the Dante’s Inferno of college football. Fold up the tents, let the planter class play with themselves, it is over in Columbia. The Gamecocks are deader than Paterno’s pecker.

Southern Miss covers

Northwestern (-5) at VANDERBILT

All the smart people are saying Vandy has no chance. All of the dumb people say Vandy has no chance. I’m going to show some faith in my new favorite coach.

Vandy covers.

KENTUCKY (-3) at Louisville

The Cats have great RBS and WRs. Now, if Hartline can just grip the ball. Kentucky will be the SEC surprise team this year.

Kentucky covers

San Jose State at ALABAMA (-39)

Losing Mark Ingram is a huge blow, but I think the Tide will pull themselves together and make it through. They deserve to lose for scheduling this atrocity. It is one thing for USC to have them come across a couple of  county lines, but to go across country for an ass whipping is unforgivable. I’ll give the Spartans credit, they have guts (and a funny kicker).

Bama covers

LSU (-1.5) vs. UNC (Atlanta)

Tough, tough, tough. UNC has done more to lose a game than even Les Miles could imagine. Still, Les is coaching the other team. If Butch Davis survives the scandal, he will be on the Tiger sidelines next year, so show them what you got Butchie.

UNC covers

UL_Laff at GEORGIA (-28)

What the hell? Only 28 points? That should be embarrassing to the red trousers in Athens. I don’t think losing Easley will stop the Dogs, they are on a quest.

Georgia covers

Arkansas State at AUBURN (-31.5)

31.5 is a big number unless you are talking Cam Newton’s errant pases. Oh hell, the Tigers are big time again. They have a good RB, a good WR and possibly a good OL. They will be tough this year.

Auburn covers

Memphis at MISS STATE (-21)

Does Memphis suck that bad? I don’t think so, or rather, the Bulldogs just aren’t 21 points better than anybody – yet.

Memphis covers

Miami, OH at FLORIDA (-34.5)

Foley thought he could just put Miami on the schedule and nobody would notice the (OH). He’s probably right, at least about the SOS people, who are dumber than Mike Gundy. The I-4 Wildman goes crazy and wins the Heisman in this one game. Maybe we will see Emmanuel Moody.

Florida covers

And the cupcakes with sprinkles:

Jacksonville State at OLE MISS

The Rebs are without their 3rd string QB, Jeremiah Masoli. Something about his graduate courses in parks maintenance and the NCAA and weed. That doesn’t matter, the Gamecocks of Calhoun County are out of their league.

Ole Miss wins

Tennessee Tech at ARKANSAS

Petrino is putting his rep on the line here. I think it is safe.

Arkansas covers

UT Martin at TENNESSEE

I live in the state and I don’t even know where Martin might be. The Vols could lose this , but won’t. They’ll be getting their corn on old Rocky Top on Saturday night, in their usual way.

Tennessee covers

#14: Florida

#13: Ohio State

#12: West Virginia

#11: Houston

#10: Arkansas

#9: Wisconsin - He is studious, that Brett Bielema. Any deficiencies he may own when it comes to developing talent and calling football plays, he masks with his relentless scouring of the NCAA rulebook. At breakfast, at dinner, at the beach, in the crapper, that book is always handy and always being read. That’s how Bielema found a technicality that prevented one baffled opponent from any chance of winning as time expired. See, new NCAA time rules prompted the clock to start when the kicker’s foot strikes the pigskin. With Wisconsin scoring in the waning moments of a game, Bielema ordered his kick-off team to advance off sides intentionally. This devious ploy ate precious seconds from a dying clock which effectively prevented the opposing team from running an offensive play. Evil genius or brilliant tactician?

Either way you look at it, Bielema succeeded. He also helped ease the grumblings of a fan base spoiled by the Barry Alvarez years by posting a double digit winning season and bowl victory over Miami. Victory is an understatement, it was a dual thrashing. The Badgers pounded the football on offense, and throttled Jacory Harris on defense. The fans want these results, this year they’re going to get them.

This state is not just cheese and steaks. If you think Wisconsin is an average Big Ten football program then its time to read a book and take a test. Madison is among the nations best party schools and that reputation is jump started during football season. Camp Randall is a rockin’ atmosphere with a sea of red and extremely active fans. To feed all that wild celebration will be a Badger team that returns all five offensive lineman and the biggest, baddest running back in the Big Ten. The defense loses five starters, but has ten returning players that saw game time on the reg.

By you, and every other defender in this league.

Fans will be popping bottles if… Scott Tolzien leads the Big Ten in pass efficiency and passes for over 2,700 yards again. The rest of the Badger offense returns nearly intact and will undoubtedly improve.

Fans will be crying in their beer if… the defense takes a step in the wrong direction instead of building on their monster Champ Sports Bowl success.

Big Man on Campus: John Clay is story about a running back that proved he was bigger, stronger, and faster than any machine by digging a tunnel through opposing defenses… or something like that. Clay should lead the Big Ten in rushing be a Heisman invitee by season’s end.

#8: TCU – Head Coach Gary Patterson is the Anti-Rich Rodriguez. He’s loyal, even tempered, and treats his players with the respect he would expect to be treated with. Patterson again elected to stay in Fort Worth when the employer wolves came knockin’. His reward? A returning Horned Frogs team that brings back 17 starters,54 lettermen, and had just  just three losses on record in the past two years.OF course, what’s not to be loyal to? TCU spends money on football with the big boys of the BCS. The football talent in Texas is easily top three for states in the nation. Texas, A&M, and LSU don’t have nearly enough schollys to absorb all that talent.

The defense Patterson has built can smother any blazing offense. My guess would be that Russia could bring over the TCU defense and they’d have the wild fires smoldered to a few drifting smoke clouds in 60 minutes. That’s what happens when you lead the country in total defense for two years in a row. Although All-American, All-Mountain West, and All-’Everything Else on the Planet’ defensive end Jerry Hughes is gone, the core of the defense will be back including linebacker Tank Carder. Carder covers the field like snow covers the Arctic.

The Horned Frogs running back by committee approach has been bearing giant, juicy fruit and that should be no different in 2010. Mathew Tucker and Ed Wesley, both freshman in 2009, carried for over 600 yards a piece last season. They will be joined by Andy Dalton, a player that has been reincarnated as a TCU quarterback for the tenth time in the history of the world, or maybe it just seems that way. He’s been around a long time, took his lumps as a young quarterback, and continues to get better every year.

Fans will be popping bottles if… the defense fills a few replacements and again finishes first in the nation for total defense. The offense is catching the defenses production. If both units are clicking, this team will have to be given title consideration.

Fans will be crying int heir beer if… the Horned Frogs 4-2-5 defenses can’t backfill the depth charts with similar or better players than 2009 and 2008 displayed.

Big Man on Campus: Jake Kirkpatrick is literally the biggest man on campus. The 6’5″ 350 pound center was a Remington finalist, all-conference performer, and will probably be a 1st or 2nd round NFL draftee.

Musket 0-0: The sweet patter of a drum corps has been playing in my head for the past week and a half. College football finally returns to screaming stadiums and high def televisions across the nation. I no longer have to line up the couch pillows to represent offensive linemen and run plays with the dog taking hand-offs. This is good because it was a frustrating routine. The dog came in as a 5 star recruit but he just wasn’t getting it. Dare I say, Spurrier’s sneer has never look so welcoming. Look here, Sneering Spurrier, Creek and Musket are back in action and you’re one of the lucky SOBs slated to be examined by our betting expertise and scrutiny.

Southern Miss. at South Carolina -14

Creek: Just way too much is going on in The Hottest Place on Earth. Worthless QBs. Suspended All American tight ends. Room service (unofficial kind).  Visor’s kid spoke.  Despite Ellis Johnson spreading his magic dust on the defense and Ashlon Jeffrey being an absolute acrobat at wide receiver, SCAR is in for a long year. I think the Golden Eagles see an opening and make the most of it.

Southern Miss covers.

Musket: As far as raw talent goes, the Golden Eagles’ DeAndre Brown is near the top of the nation’s wide receivers. He’s big, physical, fast, and will be well past recovery of the broken leg he suffered in the bowl game following the 2008 season and rehabilitated through the 2009 season. On the other hand, Spurrier will have time Thursday to mull over his gameplan over 36 holes at the Charwood Country Club. You see, if this was a day game, he’d be at the Charwood in spirit and the Gamecocks would play like an unfocused gaggle of pigeons randomly scouring a city park for crumbs. Instead, his golf fix will have been soothed and it’s on to the next task: Winning the opening game:

South Carolina covers.

LSU vs. North Carolina pick

Creek: Before the NCAA set up camp in Chapel Hill, I had no problem taking the Heels in a runaway. Then, to make matters worse, nobody beat out their QB, so we have one more year of TJ Yates. Their saving grace is that Les can’t make a QB decision either. My god man, just throw one out there. When the stink gets too bad, throw out the next one. Then – oh wait, #3 (and the only one with talent) is pitching in the Dodger farm system. This is Butch Davis’ audition to replace Crazy Les after he is shipped off to do more harm at Illinois, so I expect them to be at least sharper than the Tigers.  UPDATE: Gary Crowton, the man who did such a fine job with Matt Flynn, Jarret Lee and now Jefferson, says he has Jefferson ready. Or Jarret Lee ready. That should bring a smile to cornerbacks everywhere. I wouldn’t let Gary Crowton guide me in backing up my car. Again, he is in charge of getting an SEC performance from a Sun Belt level QB.

Update (8/28): Since UNC now faces the possibility of facing LSU with only coeds from John Edwards’ personal whorehouse suited up for the game, I have to reassess.

UNC REALLY barely wins.

Musket: I’m thinking the score will be 0-0 going into the 11th OT. TJ Yates drops back, an LSU defender sacks him for the 22nd time, the ball squirts loose, a parallel game of rugby ensues with the ball advancing as close as 2 yards from the LSU end zone before Patrick Peterson scoops up the ball and sprints 98 yards to pay dirt. The NCAA is so tight on UNC’s ass that Butch has a graduate assistant following around Tarheel players making them pick up their gum, tie their shoes, say ‘please’, and say ‘thank you’. Apparently Butch Davis has gone so far as to lay out every players clothes for the day, which ironically is a minor violation since athletes can’t have services performed that the student body does not receive. Butch decided to lay out clothes for every student on campus rather than risk a sanction.

A coach has to do what a coach has to do.

You can’t tell me this hasn’t been distracting for North Carolina. You can’t convince me that UNC has seen an arena as crazy as Tiger Stadium anytime recently (See recent ACC Championship Game attendance). LSU squeaks by this one in a defensive blood bath.

LSU wins

UConn at Michigan -3

Creek: I’ve kind of been on the UConn bandagon, as much as I can be on a Big East bandwagon, for awhile. I think Edsall might be the one genius coach out of the whole Big E stable of “genius” coaches. Plus UConn is the playground of those Westport kids who are either so dumb or have such a low moral base that their daddies couldn’t even buy their way into an Ivy league school. Their juvenile records are so thick that even South Carolina colleges won’t take them. What can you find wrong with that?  Lehigh’s future OC, Rich Rodriguez, can’t even decide on a QB between two really bad ones. Is this guy for real? How do you screw up Michigan so fast? He’s worse than Mike Dubose and Gerry Faust rolled into one big ball of suck.

UConn covers.

Musket: The whole Rodriguez crash and burn scenario would be really sad if I didn’t hate his guts with a passion more intense than the bleach job on Rita’s wild hairdo. I’m beginning to believe most Michigan fans are now siding with me on the subject and actually rooting for this maniacal egotist to lose. Imagine that: 100,000 fans clad in Maize and Blue rooting for UConn. The Huskies haven’t been climbing the rungs of the national precedence ladder, but they sure as hell have been chipping away at the base. I think they’ll find the top one way or another because the program is dedicated and willing to spend the money. Alleged transfers of starting QBs, NCAA hearings, and broken legs is no way to start a season.

UConn beats the spread.

Oregon State at TCU -11

Musket: Although the Beaver’s schedule lacks a signature OOC game against a BCS team, Oregon State has a daunting mid-major slate ahead of them. Two of the nation’s top ten teams in TCU and Boise State face the Beavers in a must win game to preserve their ranking from non-AQ purgatory. Desperate non-AQ teams trying to a get a piece of that BCS action play like cornered raccoons with rabies. Gary Patterson has put together a program that prides itself on defense. I think TCU claws to a victory, but Oregon State hangs tough.

Oregon State covers.

Creek: I know that TCU is really good, despite playing in a lousy conference and that any WACy MWC team can beat any AQ team and all of that. I have internet football kindergarten too. In TCU’s case, all of that may be true.  I do not care. Mike Riley is the best college football coach who doesn’t get or crave a lot of attention. He could have had the USC (pre Pete) or Bama (pre Shula) jobs, but elected to stay in Corvallis. The Beavers may finally get past that invisible ceiling that has stopped them for a few years now. Jaquizz Rodgers should be a Heisman contender, just because of his unspellable, unpronounceable, totally made up name. All of this, plus deep respect for Tased Naked Lineman Dude force me to love the Beavers more than usual. The big  question in Beaverburg is, how did James Rodgers not end up named Quajizz?

Oregon State covers.

Virginia Tech vs. Boise State -2.5

Musket: Virginia Tech is over-rated, the Hokies still think Tyrod Taylor is a good quarterback, and Beamer Ball will get bounced to open the season. Sound familiar? That’s been the mantra for like the last 4 years. How is DC a neutral site? It’s a five hour drive from Blacksburg, it’s a five day expedition from Boise. The Broncos managed to lay down an undefeated season, win a BCS bowl, but they somehow still have a chip on their shoulder (see reasons from Oregon State/TCU write-up). They also return nearly every single player from that team. I will admit, I still feel uneasy about going against the Hokies. Betting Virginia Tech football is like predicting I-64 traffic. Still gotta go with the Broncos.

Boise State beats the spread.

Creek: God, I hate this one. I am so used to depending on the VA Tech first game suck factor (especially against good teams) and them being vastly overrated because Vick once played there and Beemer invented special teams. But, are they better than Boise State, whose whole reputation is based on a Statue of Liberty play 223 years ago? I’ve got to think about this. I originally had Boise by 18, but brought it down to 3. Now, I just don’t know. This is in DC right? The Hokies are probably more used to seeing actual black people on the street (though not many more in SW VA than in Idaho), so they may not have the fear that the Smurfs will be suffering. Actual machine gun fire is more frightening than just sticking firecrackers up a sheep’s ass on Friday nights. Then again, who knows how many Smurfs are militia trained? We could have more than a football game here, we could have a riot. Dead Smurfs everywhere. I like it.

VA Tech covers.

I would like to thank Buckeye Nut, Musket Man, Creekdweller, SEC realist, Oldmanbuckeye, el Trojan, and SEC Fan for their contributions to this magnificent piece of prognostication. I’m looking forward to a great college football season, and hope you are too. – divided house

ACC -Musket Man
Atlantic

1. Florida State
2. Boston College
3. Clemson
4. NC State
5. Wake Forest
6. Maryland

Coastal

1. Virginia Tech
2. Georgia Tech
3. Miami
4. North Carolina
5. Duke
6. Virginia

Big 12 – creek, SEC realist

North

1. Nebraska
2. Kansas State
3. Missouri
4. Iowa State
5. Kansas
6. Colorado

South

1. Texas
2. Oklahoma
3. Texas Tech
4. Texas A&M
5. Baylor
6. Oklahoma State

*Championship Game winner – Nebraska

Big East -Musket Man

1. Pitt
2. West Virginia
3. UConn
4. Rutgers
5. South Florida
6. Louisville
7. Cincinnati
8. Syracuse

Big Ten – oldmanbuckeye

1. Ohio State
2. Iowa
3. Wisconsin
4. Indiana
5. Penn State
6. Northwestern
7. Michigan
8. Michigan State
9. Minnesota
10. Illinois
11. Purdue

C-USA- Musket Man
East

1. Southern Miss
2. UCF
3. Marshall
4. East Carolina
5. UAB
6. Memphis

West

1. Houston
2. Southern Methodist
3. UTEP
4. Tulsa
5. Rice
6. Tulane

Independent – magic dart board

1. Army
2. Notre Dame
3. Navy

Mid-American – update by Buckeye Nut – thanks nut!

East

1. Temple
2. Ohio U
3. Buffalo
4. Kent State
5. Bowling Green
6. Akron
7. Miami-Ohio

West

1. Northern Illinois
2. Central Michigan
3. Western Michigan
4. Ball State
5. Toledo
6. Eastern Michigan

Mountain West- magic dart board

1. UNLV
2. BYU
3. Air Force
4. Utah
5. Colorado State
6. Wyoming
7. New Mexico
8. San Diego State
9. TCU

PAC 10 – el Trojan

1. Oregon
2. USC
3. Oregon State
4. Stanford
5. Arizona
6. Cal
7. Washington
8. UCLA
9. Arizona State
10. Washington State

SEC– SECfan, divided house
East

1. Florida
2. UGA
3. South Carolina
4. Tennessee
5. Kentucky
6. Vanderbilt

West

1. Alabama
2. LSU
3. Auburn
4. Arkansas
5. Ole Miss
6. Mississippi State*No bias on the UT over UK thing, I just really think by the time UT plays UK they will be a decent team.

Sun Belt- creek

1. Middle Tennessee State
2. Troy
3. Louisiana – Lafayette
4. Arkansas State
5. LA – Monroe
6. Florida Atlantic
7. Western KY
8. North Texas
9. Florida International

Western Athletic Conference – magic dart board

1. Boise State – they almost lost points due to their massive and unashamed turf fashion faux pas
2. Fresno State
3. New Mexico State
4. Hawaii
5. Idaho
6. Nevada
7. Louisiana Tech
8. San Jose State
9. Utah State

Supposedly, the refs have had a stern dressing down, had their off shore accounts closed and been fitted for specs.  The two best players – Tim Tebow, Rolando McClain – are gone from the two best teams. No more lightning bolts and no more Manhattan Project type thinking in the middle.  The Joker is now in charge in Lexington and Jerry Clower in Nashville. We still have Gary and Verne in the box, so if they come to your town, make sure there is plenty of Glenlivet for Verne and the suicide hotline is open for Gary. How he gets through the year without Tebow might be the biggest mystery in the SEC.

So, here is what the SEC looks like a week from opening day.

The East

1 – Florida (11-1)  You have to believe. Brantley is the greatest thing since, well, ever. If you don’t believe, you are a Philistine. You are just stupid.  Here we go again. Same line, different QB. At least Brantley seems to be a kid who likes beer, girls and football, so that is refreshing.  I don’t have any idea how good he is, I’ve only seen him in mop up type stuff and against some pretty bad opponents. He’s alright I guess. You also must believe that Rainey knows the plays, Moody is ready and is great and that every freshman is better than yours. Since most of this is probably true, the Gators should win enough to take the East, even with those freshmen causing Meyer to double up on his…uh…Prevacid.  Transfer my ass.

2- Georgia. (11-1) The drunken AD had red panties in his lap. Driving around Athens. What more do you need to know? How can you not like this team? Hate their president, love their team. Like them now, because their new AD is from the Florida corporate team and the fun is over in Dawgville. Oh, the kids will still have fun, but you just will not know about it. Other than that, Georgia is a very settled and stable team. Aaron Murray holds the hopes of all those red trousered souls in his capable hands, so at least their own QB isn’t going to beat them. Richt got rid of the wart on defense and now is ready to face SEC competition. I have heard that he is actually interested in coaching again. If Georgia can escape the injury pandemic this year, they could make Jacksonville very hot for the Gators.

3 – Kentucky(7-5) For no other reason than somebody has to go here. Reggie Cobb. There you go, the best player in the SEC, that is reason enough. They might would win one more if their QB (Mike Hartline) didn’t have Barbie hands.

4 – Tennessee (6-6)  Even a blind Dickey finds a truffle every now and then. I  don’t know who they beat, but they will beat somebody. The word in east Tennessee is that the coach has been interviewing coeds to try to find somebody to walk on and shore up that offensive line.

5 – Vanderbilt. (3-9)  Robbie Caldwell is one of my new heroes. I hope he spits on the sidelines and beats Florida. I love the Commode-ers, even more now that they are no longer class conscious. Vandy may have lost Norman Warren or Warren Norman (I hate 2 first names), so any real chance they ever had for a conference win is gone. Except against………

6 – South Carolina (2-10)  Bye Ole Ball Coach. Thanks for stopping by. It was really good to see you again, though you didn’t bring much to the party. Take that commentator job on The Golf Channel, stay on Hilton Head for awhile and laugh that at least you didn’t leave as much of a mess as Holtz.

The West

1 – Alabama (12-0) The conventional wisdom is that Bama will lose a couple of games, simply because most who say that don’t have anything else to say. The Bama secondary is a question mark. You lose 5 to attrition, 1 to the NCAA and 1 to those pesky grade people and it does leave you a little short. There are no returning big play guys at corner, but safety looks good. The Tide loses their kicker and punter, so that is a question mark. There are teams very capable of ruining the 24 game regular season win streak,  I just don’t know who they are. My best guess would be one of the Mississippi schools, simply because they have a history of pissing all over my good shoes. Florida is the other obvious choice. That game will be a bloody mess and should be filled with whistles, but, if the SEC officials are true to form, will not be. Don’t worry guys, he can’t get you now.

2 -Auburn (9-3) Simply because they are due, plus the Tigers have a history of prevailing against the odds. I have no faith in their QB, but Chizik is a good and smart enough coach to let Mahtzaball design an offense around him, not by him. The defense should be better, with a ouple of quality LBs. The secondary is very shaky, so Mallett could have his big game against the tigers. Games against Georgia, Bama, LSU and Arkansas will take their toll, but 9-3 is not out of the question, with a very good RB and some talented WRs.

3 – LSU (8-4) the Tigers have everything a team needs, other than a QB and a coach. I think they could win without one, but not both. Jefferson is just not a winning QB. He panics and just can’t make decisions in even the simplest situation. They do have some good WRs, but Jefferson will not see them while running around looking for a place to spike the ball. Miles is on his last bowl of etouffee, the boys in Red Stick will be calling Ann Arbor, begging them to take him now. If he loses to Ole Miss again (which he will), don’t buy chicory coffee for awhile. The bag may be weighted with bone fragments and little pieces of white cotton.

4 -Ole Miss (8-4) OK, I’m in. The Rebs have the best defensive line in the country. Better than Bama, Florida, Oklahoma, whoever. I don’t know where this comes from, but it is the thing to say this year. I’ll bite this time though, because they do have a damn good one. They just don’t really have much else. Houston Nutt makes Les Miles look like Stephen Hawking. He is absolutely the worst coach in recent SEC history. Yes – even worse than Shula or Zook. Whatever Masoli thought he would gain by coming here is an illusion. Maybe he really was smoking that killer weed he was caught with. Nutt will finish him off, will ruin him like a fresh 15 year old girl in a mining camp, if the kid ever qualifies. And, by the way, take that PAC snobs. He can’t  get in an SEC school, even one with athlete friendly admission standards.  He did get in Oregon, right? Didn’t flunk out either, even stoned as hell? He can’t get in Ole Miss? He will, I’m sure, but pardon me while I go read some more about western intellectual superiority.

5 -Arkansas (6-6) The latest in trendy SEC picks. They will not have even the success of the last two bonehead choices. One big transplant does not a team make. It takes linemen and a defense and shit. The Hawgs are like kidneys were in the food world a few years ago – a very popular menu choice, but really suck when not prepared correctly.  Mallett is very good and will be an NFL superstar. But, the NFL will provide him with pass protection. The defenses will not make him go 80 yards for every touchdown. Alas, such is not the case in FayetteNam. If his surgically repaired ankle didn’t provide him with some new dance steps and a whole bunch of speed, poor Ryan is going to be face to face with a lot of linemen and linebackers.  I hope the kid likes the view of the sky, because, once again, he will see a lot of it.

6 – Mississippi State (6-6) Dan Mullen was king in Gainesville from Day 1. It will take a lot longer in Starkeville. They are making great strides, but it will take some lucky breaks, friendly officials and a lot more than cowbells to get into contention. What they really need is Jackie Sherrill cutting the nuts off of anything that stands still. They do have the base for a good defense and a trace of offense. I’m not sure Mullen is patient enough to stick this out. He just needs a couple of mediocre years to get a big mid major HC job, a kind of holding place until Meyer’s next breakdown and Dangerous Dan’s triumphant return to central Florida. He’ll get a tough, but decent season out of his team this year, even with the whole west, plus Houston to get past. The Bulldogs will be in Birmingham bowling and damn happy about it.

14. Florida

13. Ohio State

12. West Virginia

11. Houston

10. Arkansas – That’s right, I bought the hype. Or, am I the one that created it. I’ve seen firsthand the destruction left by Bobby Petrino both on the field as a head coach for Louisville, and in his wake after departure from the Cardinal program. He didn’t last in the NFL not only because the players were big enough to eat him, but because they made enough money to also afford disposable methods for handling human bones. That’s what scared him the most. Petrino decided to take his footballs and go back to the college level.

Since he no longer has to worry about being eaten, the typical thoughts that roam Bobby Petrino’s mind (gold plated Star Wars action figures, hurting people’s feelings, secret hiding places, not sharing the Froot Loops) have been once again returned to beating opponents mercilessly with an unstoppable offense. Behind those black, beady eyes is perhaps one of the most dangerous football minds in the world. His offenses strike with a force and efficiency unrivaled since the German Blitzkrieg. Two years after nervously peaking out of his office blinds at the passing Falcon’s players, Petrino has reassembled a college football cast once more worthy national recognition.

Is that iPhone new, the one you're holding? Yes, that one there. Give it to me, right now, it's mine now.

All the devastating quarterback damages the Razorbacks suffered under Houston ‘the Nutt’ have been easily repaired by Petrino and his enormous transfer Ryan Mallett (6’6″, 240 lbs). All the wide receivers have to do is run the route, and Mallett will plant the football firmly between the two pectoral pads. They don’t even have to be good, but they are anyways. Mallett’s top three receivers are back to be targeted like clay pigeons at a skeet shoot and Mallett is packing a fully automatic 12-gauge shotgun. In fact, Mallett will have time to sip sun tea and browse The College Football Voice before firing a shot down-field because the offensive line is comparable to the Dallas Cowboys or Hoover Dam.

When you post a defense that gives up over 400 yards a game in the SEC, people will look at you like you passed out at a party and had your face inked by obnoxiously creative artists and a Sharpe marker. This unit should improve with 7 returning starters on defense, including some talent that missed last season due to injuries. In addition, the Razorbacks hit the recruiting trail hard bringing in over 25 talented scholarship defenders in the last two signing classes. On top of all that, Jordan Jefferson is starting at LSU. If there isn’t massive improvement, things still won’t turn out bad. The SEC West isn’t exactly the college football flagship for explosive offenses and the Razorbacks can out-duel their adversaries in a shoot-out. A home bout with Bama will determine which school earns a trip to Atlanta.

Fans will be popping bottles if… Florida remains undefeated through September 25th and catches they early eyes of Coach Saban. If Bama, ever so slightly, overlooks a trip to Fayetteville the week before Florida vs. Alabama, the SEC West could be honoring a new sheriff at season’s end.

Fans will be crying in their beer if… Cameron Newton pans out and Auburn increases their explosiveness under Gus Malzahn. The Razorbacks are shaky on defenses and will be in danger if SEC West offenses have a big year.

Big Man on Campus: Sophomore Ronnie Wingo Jr. displayed the best yard per carry stat for Razorback running backs with 50 or more carries. He did so as a true freshman last season. Wingo Jr. is big and fast and should be the answer to the void left when Felix Jones and Darren McFadden got posted on NFL rosters.

Check out this exclusive interview of USC Super Fan

Evry Mann: Are any Song Girls going to show up for this interview? Boy, I hope so, they are hot to trot.

USC Super Fan: Well, let me start by saying thanks for having me here today. It’s a real honor to be grilled by the “Hillbilly Stump”. Sadly, we could not bring the song girls along with us today. The NCAA allowed them to transfer without penalty. Most have relocated to the Spearmint Rhino in downtown Los Angeles until the conditions are less hostile.

Evry Mann: USC has some proud traditions, which one is your favorite?

USC Super Fan: That’s a difficult question. I’m partial to the pregame ritual where the fruity guy in strange clothes stabs the ground with his sword (wow, that sounds bad coming out). I’m also infatuated with the white sweaters that our song girls so valiantly sport. When I really think about it though, it’s the tradition of excellence that was spawned from the Heisman trophies, the NC’s, the All Americans, Linebacker U, #55, Running Back U, the first round draft picks, the pro bowlers, and the Hall of Famers etc…That is what allows me to sleep at night. The tradition of success, in a sport that is obviously cyclical, is something I’m proud of. We don’t hang our hat on one or two years.

Evry Mann: Who and why do you think was the best USC player ever/ Best Quarterback / Best Linebacker?

USC Super Fan: We don’t have the time here to go through every position. I have a mani and pedi appointment in 20 minutes.

QB-Carson Palmer. I’m biased because I knew him.

RB-Marcus Allen. Hard to pick one with so many names. You have to judge this on the college field, not on who was the greatest pro. Marcus displayed class and excellence on and off the field. Side note: We had this other cat a few years back that could juke the herpes right off of a hooker. Can’t remember his name though.

WR-Lynn Swann. This may very well change in the next 5 years though.

OL-Hard to pick between Bruce Matthews, Tony Boselli, and Anthony Munoz. I just can’t do it.

LB-Junior Seau

DB-Ronnie Lott, then Tim McDonald and the “Jekyll and Hyde” Troy Polamalu (the most humble guy off the field, while absolutely fierce on the field…not many people know this).

Evry Mann: If you had just one word to describe USC going into the 2010 season, what word would it be?

USC Super Fan: “Determined”. I’m not sure that people understand just how focused and unified this team is right now. The 13 teams on our schedule will find out soon enough.

Evry Mann: How much do you think NCAA sanctions will affect USC recruiting?

USC Super Fan: Recruiting is always a “numbers” plus “need” game.

The numbers change daily, but the transfers of second and third team upperclassmen will actually help because of the fact that EE’s count towards last year’s class (which also had attrition). We can replace bodies that won’t play and have a 1 or 2 year shelf life with other guys who have a 4 year shelf life. This drastically helps with depth down the road when we hit the transition between sanctions and freedom but can’t sign more than 25 thus not reaching 85. We absolutely must shore up the lines and the linebacker positions or depth will eventually kill us. The keys to our future will be the EE’s in this class. It’s absolutely vital. Bottom line: Less scholarship offers will be issued as our staff will have to be selective in this process. Call me naive, but USC is still an attractive destination for HS prospects (especially local California talent). The tradition and prestige is still there. A scholarship offer from USC will now be a more rare and valuable commodity. Oh, and by the way, we’ve already received two commitments for the class of 2012 despite the sanctions.

Evry Mann: Lane has taken a lot of criticism about how he dumped Tennessee and came to USC. What would you say to those folks?

USC Super Fan: You’re happy that you don’t have him anymore, or so you say. Get over it.

Evry Man: Lane will definitely be under a microscope this season. How do you think he will respond to the pressure?

USC Super Fan: Can you recall anything from his camp (recently) that was controversial? No. He’s been here before. He knows what this university is about. Haden and Gold led the committee to hire the replacement after Pete left. Haden is now the AD. Our compliance staff is now 9 deep. Oh, and we also have the former head of the FBI setting up shop on campus to consult with the compliance department. Violations will not be an issue. Lane, while taking a ton of heat for acting like a 5 year old red-headed step child at Tennessee, is not a bad football coach. He has assembled a very capable staff around him. The resurrected focus, business-like attitude, and determination that has been displayed through the spring and summer activities is a direct result of Kiffin taking over in January. Everyone around the program is talking about it as if it’s a relief to finally get the focus back on the game instead of “creating a better LA”.

Evry Mann: Lane spent a year in Tennessee. Does he have a southern drawl now?

USC Super Fan: No. Buried in the report was a minor clause prohibiting him from using such phrases as “hee-haw”, “aw shucks”, “y’all”, “warsh”, “golly”, “chevy truck!”, “nascar”, “ignert”, “thems fightin wurds” etc… Its straight ebonics now yo….word. Playas be legit, no frontin’.

Evry Mann: What do you think are the strengths of the 2010 USC team?

USC Super Fan: WR, DL, Secondary, RB.

Evry Mann: What do you think are the weaknesses of the 2010 USC team?

USC Super Fan: LB and OL (if we have any injuries)…oh and song girls.

Evry Mann: Can you get me any of the Song Girls phone numbers?

USC Super Fan: (213) 629-9213

Evry Man: Who do you think will win the PAC 10 this season?

USC Super Fan: We will. Never underestimate the will and determination of a man who believes he was wronged, much less a squad of 67-70 men with this mindset. If I were to describe this year’s team in movie terms, it would be a cross between “Taken”, “Oldboy” (well, most of it), and “Braveheart”.

I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you are looking for ransom, I can tell you I don’t have money. But what I do have are a very particular set of skills; skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my program go now, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.

Evry Mann: Now that USC has been forced to vacate their 2004 National Championship is Auburn going to claim it?

USC Super Fan: No, I don’t think they will. They are preoccupied with courtin’ their sisters and playing Magnum PI in Tuscaloosa.

Evry Mann: They say experience is the best teacher. USC and their fans have had a tumultuous off-season. Do you have any words of advice to share with the rest of college football?

USC Super Fan: Nothing is ever as good or as bad as it seems. This is, and always has been cyclical. Don’t get caught up and don’t take things so seriously. There are bigger things in life than college football. Curb your faith in the media.

Evry Mann: and finally the question on everyone’s mind (or at least, all red blooded males).Do you have any pictures of the Song Girls, au natural, that you can share?

USC Super Fan: I’m advised by my counsel to not comment due to my pending trial in the Los Angeles Superior Court system.

USC Super Fan: You forgot to ask me about the transfers. Our response?Your commitment and work here won’t be forgotten. But “you leave town tonight, right now. And when you’re gone, you stay gone, or you be gone. You lost all your L.A. privileges.”

Now some folks might argue that college football produces revenue for universities and enormous coaching salaries are needed to attract the best coaches so a program can stay competitive and maintain its elite status. Some people will tell you that the ROI justifies the cost of paying a huge salary, and that would be true of any “Big Business “ but universities are not businesses, they are Institutes of Higher Learning, or at least they should be.

I always thought the purpose of a university was to provide an education, yet more and more it seems like the focus is on college sports instead of academics, football in particular…Don’t believe me? Name one college professor who is making 3 or 4 million a year.

Don’t get me wrong, I love college football. The passion and excitement of college football can’t be beat. The anticipation of a rivalry game or a huge OOC game gets my juices flowing .The bowl games the intense rivalries and the traditions of college football are just as important to me today as they were when I was a kid. But college football needs to return to its roots. College football needs to start being an amateur sport again, instead of a semi-pro league for the NFL.

We have already limited scholarships. Why not limit coaching salaries? Each year the cost of running a college football program continues to rise unabated. Limiting coaching salaries would control some of this cost and would help to even the playing field for all schools. If we don’t do something soon to control the spiraling cost of college football then the gap between the “Haves and Have Not’s” will become a chasm that a lot of schools won’t be able to span.

Florida and Texas will do just about anything to keep the coaches they have or at least keep things the way they are. Those schools painfully remember what life was without Meyer and Brown. The same can be said for Saban at Alabama and Tressel at Ohio State.

It’s the programs trying to stay competitive that are having problems with “inflated contracts and deflated results”.

Limiting college football coaching salaries would enable more schools to afford to have a competitive college football program without having to break the bank.

Yes, we need a salary cap for college football coaches.

It is time to get “More Bang for the Buck”.

1. ARKANSAS
2. TEXAS A&M
3. OREGON
4. MIAMI
5. IOWA
6. CINCINNATI
7. FLORIDA STATE
8. LSU
9. VA TECH
10. BOISE STATE

THAT A KICK IN THE HEAD
10 teams who will rise above the lowly expectations

1. MICHIGAN STATE
2. OREGON STATE
3. SOUTHERN CAL
4. GEORGIA
5. AUBURN
6. STANFORD
7. WEST VIRGINIA
8. NEBRASKA
9. NOTRE DAME
10. UNC

KICKIN’ OUT THE JAMS
10 who are about where they should be

1. ALABAMA
2. FLORIDA
3. OHIO STATE
4. TCU
5. OKLAHOMA
6. TEXAS
7. GEORGIA TECH
8. TENNESSEE
9. PENN STATE
10. CAL

I’M A MAN
The Heisman Watch

1. TERRELLE  PRYOR
2. TERRELLE  PRYOR
3. TERRELLE  PRYOR
4. TERRELLE  PRYOR
5. TERRELLE  PRYOR
6. TERRELLE  PRYOR
7. TERRELLE  PRYOR
8. TERRELLE  PRYOR
9. TERRELLE  PRYOR
10. CASE KEENUM

I’M A LOSER
10 who will not win the Heisman because a) they did not go to Ohio State or b) throw for a bazillion yards against the college football equivalent of T- Ball competition

1. Mark Ingram
2. Jake Locker
3. Little Ricky Stanzi
4. Deion Lewis
5. Andy Dalton
6. John Brantley
7. Any Lineman
8. Ryan Mallett
9. Josh Nesbitt
10. Cam Newton (not the only reasons, but…)

SEND THEM DEAD FLOWERS
Coaches gone after (or during) this year

1. Les Miles
2. Ralph Friedgen
3. Rich Rodriguez
4. Dennis Erickson
5. Randy Shannon
6. Ron Zook
7. Dan Hawkins
8. Robby Cardwell
9. Joe Paterno
10. Mike Gundy

THEY’LL PUT ROSES ON THEIR GRAVES
And the ones who will replace them

1. Butch Davis
2. Mike Bobo
3. Jim Harbaugh
4. Kevin Smlin
5. Chris Peerson
6. Les Miles
7. Ed Orgeron
8. Jim McElwain
9. Wilford Brimley
10. Mike Leach

WHY ME LORD?
10 who Try to make my Saturday suck

1. Bob Davie
2. Pam Ward
3. SEC officials
4. Craig James
5. Hotels without DirecTV
6. Erin Andrews covering games in cold locations
7. Overly fatty ribs
8. Little Red
9. His brother Brutus
10. Mike Gundy

DAZED AND CONFUSED
The worst of college football media

1. Joe Schadd
2. Craig James
3. Ivan Maisel
4. Tom Brennemen
5. Stuart Mandell
6. Pat Dooley
7. Bob Davie
8. John Taylor
9. Pam Ward
10. Desmond Howard

ORANGE TURDBLOSSOM SPECIAL
10 reasons Tennessee sucks

1. That freaking song
2. That freaking end zone
3. That mangy mutt
4. Phat Phreaking Phil
5. Peyton Manning
6. The front end loader they use to get their cheerleaders on the bus
7. The cheerleaders
8. Orange
9. John Adams
10. Knoxville traffic

#14. Florida

#13. Ohio State

#12. West Virginia

#11. Houston – Normally a team with the ability to average ten touchdowns a game would be a shoe-in for the title game. The Cougars, however, completely forgot that defense is a significant part of college football game planning. Either that, or the Cougar defense was so brow-whipped in practice by Case Keenum and his offensive marauders, that their confidence melted against opponents like butter in the microwave at the first sign of a push. How bad? Real bad. How bad exactly? Houston’s defense put out like a drunk, coked-up escort at a swinger wedding.

I’ve been trying not to rely on stats to prove a point, but these stats are far too ridiculous to rot away in a spread sheet somewhere. One can call it a good thing when a quarterback returns with a 1,000 yard receiver. It’s paramount when a quarterback returns with two 1,000 yard receivers. But what is it called if a 5,000 yard passing quarterback returns with three 1,000 yard receivers? Got that? Keenum’s top three targets from 2009 are all returning to the college football gridiron as Cougars: that’s James Cleveland (1,214 yards), Patrick Edwards (1,026 yards), and Tyron Carrier (1,012 yards). When was the last time your school returned this much production? The answer is probably never. The reason is because these stats are crazier than Mike Tyson with a six pack of Red Bull.

Andre Ware aint got nuttin' on me.

Houston won the C-USA West last season; I expect much of the same this season. I expect the Cougars to win the whole conference, I expect the Cougars to beat UCLA and Texas Tech. Who knows? With a Boise State slip-up at Virginia Tech, or a TCU melt-down in the Mountain West, the Cougars may be your Mid-Major in the BCS.

Fans will be poppin’ bottles if… the freshly installed 3-4 defense brought in by new defensive coordinator Brian Stewart creates one extra turnover per game. It doesn’t matter if it’s a turnover on downs, or a fumble, maybe an interception. With explosive offenses like the Cougars manage, just one more shot at the end zone can typically turn out a victory.

Fans will be crying in their beer if…Case Keenum goes down. I’m the master of the obvious, huh? It really is that cut and dry, though. Not discredit Kevin Sumlin as a head coach because I think he’s awesome, but Keenum is the platinum key factor that makes this football team a potential BCS buster.

Big Man on Campus: Case Keenum and it’s not even close. It sounds outrageous, but he has the very real opportunity to throw for 6.000 yards and 60 touchdowns.